It would appear, as my 45th birthday looms large, that I have reached what it commonly called a certain age.

I gave my beard a trim this morning and noticed a quite unusual amount of grey on my chin. Added to this, I seem to be losing the ability to grow hair on the top of my head and instead have become extremely proficient at growing hair from both ears and nostrils.

I have also noticed when getting up in the morning that I have run a marathon during the night as this can be the only explanation for being so stiff and achy.

Does anyone know if there is a worldwide database of the e-mail addresses of men in their 40’s as the offers of pills for what is delicately termed E.D. here in the US, have accelerated at an alarming rate.

But what annoys me most of all is that nobody will believe that I am younger than my wife, Zoe, who is serenely approaching her 50th without a care in the world and still looking like a woman in her late 30’s.

So what do I have to look forward to? I am guessing that pretty soon the already poor eyesight will require glasses to help me read and no doubt, somebody will soon suggest that a prostate exam is in order. I refuse to have some quack remove hair from another part of my body and sew it to my head, and a syrup is definitely out of the question. So when the inevitable eventually happens I shall either shave it all off, or start wearing a lot of different hats.

So when you ask me next year how old I am, I am 39….. GOT IT!!!!!